“Negotiation is precisely the opposite of how we are expected to act as women in society.”
— Ursula Pfeiffer, co-founder of Yuriyana Club
We negotiate every day.
We negotiate with our partner how to share responsibilities. We negotiate limits and schedules with our children. We negotiate with colleagues, friends, and family. We negotiate time, money, priorities, and expectations. We even negotiate with ourselves when we decide what to sacrifice to fulfill everything we feel we must do.
And yet, few skills have such a profound impact on our quality of life and receive as little attention as negotiation.
Perhaps because we tend to associate it with large contracts, corporate agreements, or political disputes. We imagine it in boardrooms, law offices, or international negotiations. But the reality is much simpler: negotiating is an inevitable part of daily life.
The difference is that some people learn to do it consciously and others do not.
For women, moreover, there is an additional challenge.
“As women, we face a very particular challenge because socially we are taught to be kind before firm, to avoid conflict before expressing needs, and to adapt before causing discomfort.”
— Ursula Pfeiffer, co-founder of Yuriyana Club
From an early age, many of us learn to prioritize harmony. We learn not to generate conflict. We learn to be considerate of others’ needs. These are valuable qualities, but they can become obstacles when it comes time to defend our own needs.
Because negotiating implies precisely the opposite.
It implies expressing disagreement.
It implies establishing boundaries.
It implies asking.
It implies raising things that the other person might prefer not to hear.
That is why so many women experience discomfort when faced with negotiation. Not because they lack the ability to do it, but because historically we have been taught to avoid many of the behaviors that an effective negotiation requires.
Research reflects this reality.
Various studies cited by Ursula show that men tend to be significantly more willing to negotiate salaries and working conditions. At the same time, research has found that women face greater social penalties when they use negotiation styles similar to those of their male colleagues.
There is a difficult paradox to ignore.
Behavior that is usually interpreted as leadership, ambition, or confidence in a man can be perceived very differently when exercised by a woman.
“When a woman is assertive, when she states what she wants in an argued way, without pleas or embellishments, without coquetry, but as an adult who states her rights and needs firmly and with certainty, she is often labeled as difficult, aggressive, demanding, or bossy.”
— Ursula Pfeiffer, co-founder of Yuriyana Club
This reality helps explain why so many women end up betting on a different strategy: working harder, taking on more responsibility, and waiting for recognition to come on its own.
But experience shows that effort, while indispensable, is rarely enough.
At some point, we must learn to communicate our value.
And to do so, we need to understand what a negotiation really is.
“Most believe that negotiating is beating the other person, but a good negotiation is not a battle or a fight, but a conversation that occurs to resolve an impasse.”
— Ursula Pfeiffer, co-founder of Yuriyana Club
This idea completely changes the way we understand the process.
If we conceive of negotiation as a struggle, we enter the conversation prepared to attack or defend ourselves.
If we understand it as a joint search for solutions, our attitude changes.
The other person stops being an adversary.
They become someone with whom we need to build a solution.
According to Ursula, every negotiation contains three fundamental elements: desire, fear, and empathy.
Desire is evident. We negotiate because we want something. More support, more time, more resources, better conditions, or greater recognition.
Fear is also present. We fear losing. We fear being rejected. We fear seeming difficult. We fear damaging an important relationship.
And then there is empathy.
Empathy does not mean giving in.
It does not mean giving up our interests.
It means better understanding the interests of the other person.
What do they need?
What do they fear losing?
What pressures do they face?
What obstacles must they resolve?
These questions allow for identifying paths that would otherwise remain hidden.
Many times we concentrate so much on our arguments that we forget to explore the reality of the person in front of us.
However, it is precisely those circumstances that can help us build more solid and harder-to-reject proposals.
Every effective negotiation starts long before we sit down to talk.
It starts with preparation.
What exactly do we want?
Why do we want it?
What are we willing to accept?
What are we not willing to accept?
What is our ideal outcome?
What is our minimum acceptable?
These questions bring clarity.
And clarity brings security.
“Negotiating implies that we have to have a great interest in something. Is it not worth it that if we have such interest we give it the respect it deserves and prepare well?”
— Ursula Pfeiffer, co-founder of Yuriyana Club
Preparing means organizing ideas. It means anticipating questions. It means structuring arguments. It means thinking about possible objections.
But it also means creating the right conditions to talk.
It is not the same to raise an important issue when the other person is distracted or in a hurry as it is to do so when there is time to listen and reflect.
Nor is it the same to surprise someone with a negotiation as it is to allow them to minimally prepare for it.
Successful negotiations are usually built on clear expectations.
Another fundamental element is listening.
Listening not only allows us to respond better.
It allows us to discover valuable information.
It allows us to identify real concerns.
It allows us to find alternatives.
It allows us to build bridges.
Many times the solution we are looking for appears precisely in something the other person says during the conversation.
But we can only identify it if we are really listening.
It is also important to avoid some frequent mistakes.
Entering without clarity on our objectives.
Confusing kindness with an absence of boundaries.
Basing our arguments solely on emotions.
Talking too much.
And assuming that the goal is to defeat the other person.
This last mistake deserves special attention.
The most successful negotiations do not produce winners and losers.
They produce sustainable agreements.
When someone feels they have been humiliated or defeated, resentment usually remains. And resentment rarely strengthens a relationship.
On the contrary, the best agreements are those that allow both parties to move forward feeling they were heard and respected.
That is why Ursula’s final reflection perfectly summarizes the spirit of a good negotiation.
“Negotiating is not manipulating, it is not imposing oneself. Negotiating is learning to communicate our needs with clarity, while still recognizing the humanity and needs of the other.”
— Ursula Pfeiffer, co-founder of Yuriyana Club
Perhaps therein lies the true importance of this skill.
When we learn to negotiate better, we don’t just get better work or economic results.
We learn to establish healthier boundaries.
We learn to express our needs without guilt.
We learn to value our time.
We learn to build more honest relationships.
And we learn that firmness and empathy are not opposites. They are tools that, used together, allow us to occupy our space with greater security and confidence.
That search for growth, leadership, and autonomy is also part of the mission of Yuriyana Club: accompanying women so they develop the necessary tools to express their value, defend their needs, and build healthier relationships with themselves and others.
You can find the complementary video to this article here: https://youtu.be/NKJ6jT5JKXU
