What nobody says about intimacy in a couple
“Let’s call a spade a spade… desire in a couple is not always the same,” affirms our co-founder Úrsula Pfeiffer. The phrase is simple, but it questions one of the most silent expectations within relationships: that desire should be constant, symmetrical, and predictable.
For years we have romanticized the idea that loving implies wanting the same thing, at the same time, and with the same intensity. When that synchronicity does not occur, unease arises. Sometimes it translates into guilt. Other times, into suspicion.
“The woman is always the problem,” notes our co-founder Irma Alarcón, referring to one of the most deeply rooted myths. If intimacy diminishes, it is assumed that she cannot or does not want to. And not wanting to is interpreted as a defect.
But that narrative simplifies a much more complex reality.
Desire is not a switch. It does not respond to obligation or a calendar. It is deeply linked to the emotional context, physical state, and circumstances the couple is going through.
Hormonal changes—pregnancy, lactation, perimenopause, or menopause—can influence it. Certain medications, chronic illnesses, or sustained stress also do. To this is added something less visible but equally powerful: mental load. The constant list of pending tasks. Responsibilities that do not stop. The fatigue that is not always named.
In this scenario, pretending that desire remains unalterable is to be unaware of how the body works and how the mind operates.
Úrsula invites us to change the focus when libido decreases: “It is important to ask ourselves why, to see what has changed in our life”. The question displaces guilt and opens up reflection. Am I exhausted? Do I feel unsupported? Are there unresolved conflicts? Am I going through an important transition?
For many women, desire is intimately linked to emotional connection. If there is affective distance, accumulated resentment, or unexpressed needs, the body will hardly respond with enthusiasm. That does not mean that love has disappeared; it means that something requires attention.
There is also another widespread belief: if two people do not feel the same level of desire, the relationship is in crisis. However, couples go through stages. The arrival of a child transforms priorities and energy. Work changes alter rhythms. Economic pressures generate tension. Even the moment children leave home forces a redefinition of the dynamic between the two.
Desire fluctuates because life fluctuates.
The difference in intensity or frequency is not an anomaly; it is a natural possibility between two different individuals. What makes the difference is not perfect coincidence, but the ability to talk about what is happening without turning it into an accusation.
In that area, form matters as much as substance. Úrsula warns that “adjectives are like minefields”. Qualifying the person—“you are cold,” “you are distant”—usually activates defenses. Describing the experience—“when this happened, I felt this way”—allows for opening a space for dialogue.
Intimacy is not sustained solely by chemistry; it is sustained by emotionally intelligent communication. That implies internal clarity before speaking and willingness to listen without assuming that the other person is the problem.
Accepting that desire is not always the same does not weaken the relationship. It humanizes it. It reminds us that we are beings going through changing stages, contexts, and emotions. And that intimacy is not a test to pass, but a space that is built and renegotiated over time.
Perhaps the real challenge is not maintaining desire intact, but learning to accompany it when it changes.
If this reflection resonated with you, we invite you to watch the video that accompanies this article here: https://youtu.be/oGMrnBsyprY
