The Power That Goes Unseen
Power within a relationship is not always exercised with shouting or orders. Sometimes it filters into daily gestures: who makes the decisions, who organizes domestic life, who apologizes first, who has time for themselves. In these small imbalances, a larger history is written, inherited from centuries where control and authority had gender.
Sexologist Arola Poch explains it clearly: “Power dynamics appear when there is an imbalance in decision-making or responsibilities. They can be tacit agreements or invisible impositions, but they always leave a mark.”
Our co-founder Ursula Pfeiffer adds: “Historically, women’s bodies, finances, and voices were controlled. Although we have advanced, the echoes of that inheritance are still heard in many modern relationships.”
Recognizing that past is not looking back, but understanding the present.
The Inheritance of Control
For centuries, economic power was a form of dominance. The provider decided. And since men were the ones who accessed paid work, female independence was conditioned on male approval or support.
Today, reality has changed, but mental structures persist. More and more women are achieving university degrees, leading teams, and supporting entire households. However, many studies show that when a woman earns more than her partner, she unconsciously takes on more domestic tasks to “compensate.”
“That reveals how deeply rooted the caregiver role is,” Arola points out. “Even in contexts where the woman is economically independent, she feels she must balance success with docility. It’s the invisible weight of the historical mandate.”
Economic control transforms, but it doesn’t always disappear. It changes form, disguising itself as love, care, or habit.
When Love is Confused with Hierarchy
Healthy relationships are built on agreements, not hierarchies. But when one of the two decides more, listens less, or imposes without noticing, the bond becomes unbalanced. Sometimes it is the man who exercises this power; other times, the woman reproduces it without realizing it, repeating the model she learned.
Arola calls it “the reflection of internalized patriarchy”: “In heterosexual couples, the idea that the man leads and the woman cares still exists. We have advanced, but we still carry centuries of unequal emotional practice.”
Ursula qualifies this with a critical perspective: “Control does not always come from an intention to dominate. Many times it is inherited without question. The difficult thing is recognizing when love becomes administration, when caring for the other becomes synonymous with self-cancellation.”
Power and Money: The Silent Border
In the intimacy of the home, economic power continues to mark territory. Whoever contributes more tends to decide more. And when that power changes hands — when the woman earns more — new tensions appear.
Ursula cites studies showing how some women, feeling they have an economic advantage, increase their domestic responsibilities to “not hurt the pride” of their partner. “It is a form of unconscious compensation that keeps the imbalance alive,” she reflects.
Arola defines it as a warning sign: “If we need to diminish ourselves so that the other does not feel less, something in the relationship is not balanced. The success of a couple should not be measured by who earns more, but by how valued both feel.”
Money, in reality, only amplifies what already exists: respect or resentment, trust or control.
The Body as a Field of Power
The history of control does not end with finances. It also crosses the body and sexuality. “For centuries,” recalls Ursula, “the female body was treated as property, an asset that is offered or withdrawn according to the other’s behavior.”
That transactional logic still survives in phrases like “I behave well and I have sex” or “I punish him with the body’s silence”. Arola warns: “Sex cannot be a reward or a punishment. Turning it into a negotiation currency is distorting its deepest meaning: connection.”
But the other extreme is equally harmful: when we feel we cannot say no. “Sometimes,” explains Arola, “we don’t close the kiosk, as Ursula says, not because we don’t want to, but because we believe we must. We have internalized obligation as part of love.”
This idea — that the other’s desire is above one’s own — continues to be one of the most persistent forms of intimate inequality.
Emotional Imbalance and Erosion of Desire
Power is not only exercised with money or authority; it is also exercised with mental load. Planning, remembering, anticipating, caring… these are tasks that fall disproportionately on women. And this exhaustion has direct consequences for desire.
“Women who take on all the logistics of the home, work, and parenting often arrive at the end of the day with no energy for intimacy,” Arola points out. “It is not a lack of libido; it is a lack of space for desire.”
Ursula complements this: “When a relationship becomes a system of tasks and debts, desire is extinguished. The body does not seek pleasure where it feels obligation.”
Tiredness, more than lack of love, is the great enemy of intimacy.
Conflict as a Path Towards Equality
Talking about power does not mean talking about rupture. Conflict can be a tool for balance, as long as it is approached with respect. “Couples who never argue are not the healthiest,” Arola warns. “Sometimes it means that one of the parties always gives in. The real danger is not arguing, but keeping silent.”
The key is conscious communication: speaking from “I feel” and not from “you do,” avoiding generalizations, recognizing conflict as a shared problem and not as a battle. “When we argue to win, the relationship loses. When we argue to understand each other, both parties win,” Arola concludes.
Towards Intimacy Without Hierarchies
Building equality does not mean eliminating differences, but redefining power as shared responsibility. Ursula expresses it this way: “Equality is not that everything is identical; it is that both parties can be full without asking permission.”
Arola agrees: “It is not about who is in charge, but about how we maintain balance. Respect, empathy, and communication are the foundations of any healthy relationship.”
True intimacy arises when love stops being a negotiation and becomes an encounter between equals: two people who choose every day to listen to each other, support each other, and celebrate the other’s freedom.
Watch the complementary episode “The Power and Love: Control Dynamics in a Couple” on our YouTube channel: https://youtu.be/gh6KymPlrNg
